This week was Valentine's. I was not plagued by the fact that, yet again, I don't have anyone. That actually didn't even bother me oddly enough. I didn't even notice Valentine's Day coming. What irked me the most, what that everyone else was DOING something. Valentine's Candy!!! Dinners! ugh. On top of it being a very stressful week for me, with lots to figure out trying to manage my time and make some tough choices.
I went on a 'date' with a girlfriend of mine who's boyfriend was away and went to Panera for a salad. I felt guilty over my chicken salad. But I NEEDED it. I used to have a cheat meal a week and let me tell you it was a FAT one! I don't get those now, but I did need something, some kind of treat. Well, then I had more. I'm not going to go into details, but it was not what I should have had. So I am really balancing two lives, two ways of thought. On one hand, "come on! You can't eat like this forever! You should be able to have a treat one in a while, to stay sane and make this a part of your life that you can continue." And this is because I have had a problem of going out of control off-season and then having to diet like crazy to get down to where I already was. So to me, it is a great accomplishment if I can train myself to have a 'regular' healthy meal from time to time and then eat 'clean' the rest of the time. A cheat meal can jump/trick your metabolism and aid in weight loss and serve as a mental upper, something to look forward to and keep you going, as a reward. On the other hand, "the other girls are not cheating! They are killing themselves to beat you and you need to do the same. You need to be strong, and NOT cheat! Every cheat takes you farther from your goal". It is very hard, and there are a lot of people on either side of this view.
So I decided to give myself a mental break. I had what I felt I needed to be sane. I gave myself an out. The option to NOT do the show. To take this week, and get through what I need to get through and keep doing the best I can and see what happens in 2 weeks. See how I feel then and what I look like. Here's the odd thing. There was a meeting and there were some great looking croissants and muffins. So, I told myself I could have one. I kept looking at them every time I walked by. You know what? I didn't have one. I made the decision not to. I have used reverse psychology a lot on myself. My first season I could literally smell EVERY food on the 1/2 hr drive back home each night. Finally I just told myself, "you know what? You CAN eat that! YOU are the one CHOOSING to this. No one else is here, or will see, and it's no one's business really." And just telling myself that, made me think that no, I don't need this now. This food will be around forever, I can have it whenever I want, like after the show. After I get lean if I still want i can have that.
You start seeing your body differently. Depending on your water/hydration levels, what you've worked on that day or the previous day, you can wake up thinking: I look amazing/I look soft/I look fat/I look lean/I look normal and so on. You sometimes just need to trust the process, your trainer or yourself. Keep at it and the body will change. That is why it is so important to have a coach/trainer that can give you an objective opinion. Today, I think about how much I need to lose(6lbs, TOTALLY doable) and I'm down to 16%BF. But I feel very soft. ugh. Only listen to the positive unless you can be objective. Find what works for you. Sometimes it may be a pep talk, or others a lecture, or maybe just some time to yourself to reorganize your thoughts.
Let me also say, I DO have every intention of doing this show. Im actually dieting harder on my own and carb cycling than I have before. I have more muscle and look better than I have ever looked. So I have lots of creative ways I will be keeping my food fun and will be sharing them with you. Stay tuned! ;)
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